(I wrote this a few years ago for a podcast that I never recorded.)
INTRO
I was born in 1996.
Two years after Kurt Cobain died.
Died under certain circumstances, which I will get into later…
I am 26 years old now(when I wrote this). Kurt died at age 27 on April 5th, 1994. He was 27 years and 44 days old.
July 14th, 2023, will be the day I die if I live to the exact age of Kurt Cobain.
It’s weird knowing this.
Nirvana and Kurt Cobain are a force I grew up with. They are a big part of my makeup. And I identify with his music to my core.
My love for Nirvana didn’t stop at Nirvana. I love a lot of the Seattle bands from that time, and I love a lot of the grunge music that came from all over the world that was inspired after.
I could tell you all about grunge music. Like, did you know that there’s an album called Deep Six that features six Seattle bands? The producers wanted to capture the Seattle sound. So, they recruited six bands from the scene. Green River, Malfunkshun, The Melvins, Skinyard, Soundgarden, and U-Men.
Probably like most of you, I am my own harshest critic. So, when I talk about these things coming up, just know that I love the band and I love all of these rock stars. I just see myself in them and them in me, and I can’t help but ask some of these questions and discuss a few of these things.
Growing up, music was a big part of my life. I had an mp3 player, and I downloaded songs my dad knew off of limewire.
I listened to Michael Jackson, Foreigner, Weird Al, Green Day, Nirvana, and various others.
I knew that the singer of Nirvana was dead.
Death just doesn’t mean anything to you when you are that young because it seems so distant and things in the past seem so long ago.
Something my parents liked to do on the weekends was have friends and family over for karaoke. The music video would come on, the lyrics would flow by, and you sang along with the artist, trying to match their tone.
I remember my dad drawing a connection between two of the songs that were available on the karaoke system. One of the songs was “Best of You” by the Foo Fighters. The other song was “Come As You Are” by Nirvana.
He explained that the guy in the first video used to be the drummer for the second guy and after the second guy shot himself the first guy moved on and started a new band and wrote songs about the second guy.
“Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?”
“And I swear that I don’t have a gun. No, I don’t have a gun. No, I don’t have a gun.”
COBAIN GROHL HAWKINS
Sometimes, I wonder about Dave Grohl.
I’m not seriously suspicious of him in any way, but after Taylor Hawkins died earlier this year in 2022. I couldn’t help but think… I don’t know.
He seems like a really nice guy. Really nice. Too nice?
This is one of those instances where I’m visualizing myself and over criticizing myself.
Dave Grohl is passionate about the things that he’s a part of. He’s enthusiastic and energetic. Others that don’t share his energy level might find him to be a little pushy.
The pairing of Kurt Cobain and Dave Grohl seems like they were assigned partners in class. Dave was the friendly party guy, while Kurt was the quiet weirdo that chewed on his pen cap.
Near the end, it is said that Kurt wanted to fire Dave from the band. He wrote a note to Dave, but I’m not sure it ever reached him at that time.
I could just see Dave trying to talk his way out of it to Kurt. Begging to stay in the band. Finally, Kurt throws his hands in the air and doesn’t argue. His mind was completely blank and over stimulated at the same time. Dave, Courtney, Frances, tours, mangers, contracts, travel, money. All people and things whirling on his head
Maybe it all was too much. Maybe that’s why everything ended. It’s impossible to say.
And let’s not forget about resently. The Foo Fighters have been super busy, albums, tours, and movies. These aren’t young men anymore. Taylor Hawkins’s body just… gave out. Maybe ambitions pushed boundaries of well-being.
That being said, I love Dave Grohl. He is a hero of mine. The Foos were kind of losing me for a minute with the last few albums, but Man, they reeled me back in with Dream Widow, their metal album. And they were really brought to the forefront of my attention when Taylor died.
He really seemed like he would be the last one to go.
I only think these things of Dave Grohl because, like I said. I am very skeptical of myself, and these guys are super important to me. When something bad happens to someone close to me. My brain becomes a scummy insurance company, trying to find every possibility that it could be my fault and how I might have caused the bad thing.
DRUG CULTURE/SUICIDE CULTURE
Now, I would like to talk about drug culture and suicide culture. They can sometimes go hand in hand, but they could also be separate.
A lot of what I’ll talk about spans way before Kurt Cobain in the 90s, but a lot of what he was about spread to the new generations that listen to his music. Like he’s a vessel that moves through time like liquid. Many people in many different age groups feel and understand what he’s saying.
Kurt Cobain made drugs cool. Especially in the eyes of children and teens. To a set of maybe, more tired eyes of an older person whom has felt and experienced more pain and suffering in life from cycles of substance abuse from themselves or loved ones may not find the Kurt Cobain story so charming.
Nobody thinks his death is charming as I put it, but a person who knows drugs and drug addiction. The situation with Kurt is more of a pity than an absolute tragedy.
After Kurt died, a lot of kids did copy cat suicides. Still to this day, there’s an idea of surviving the age of 27. Let me tell you, Jim Morrison didn’t make that popular. Kurt Cobain did.
Age 27. Age 27. I always wonder about that one. This idea that drugs are cool and suicide is noble has really fucked us. The Misfits that grow up in these past few generations. I know those things aren’t true but that Clock still ticks in my brain. Eating at me.
I’m addicted to cigarettes. I live in a time where that is really really looked down upon. But I can’t shake that dark 90’s side of me. Kurt Cobain, gangster movies, Tarantino Movies. Its in my blood. I’m Vincent Vega, smoking a cigarette, shooting dope, driving a convertible, and going to pick up a baddie. That’s who I am. It’s inescapable.
FRANCES BEAN
Speaking of people who are affected by Kurt Cobain’s death, let’s talk about Frances Bean Cobain.
Obviously. Her father… but something struck me a while ago. On her birthday, August 18th. I follow her on Instagram, I seen it was her birthday, so I went to her profile to wish her a happy birthday, but then realized she had the comments turned off for all of her posts.
This woman must get harassed constantly…
Between people constantly praising her father and the people calling her mother a murderous whore, it’s gotta be rough.
She’s gotta be the type of person to vet people before she let’s them enter her life. Do you worship my father? worship his band? What’s your real motivation for showing me kindness?
She’s probably been faced with some pretty good actors. They act like they just care about her, but them a few weeks down the line, that person starts asking about her father’s death. “Do you remember him?” “Do you think your mom killed your dad?”
It may have, at one point, gotten so bad that she pushed people out if they even knew of the band Nirvana or know the name Kurt cobain. That would be a real, lonely life.
Constantly being reminded that your father is a dead drug addict and your mother is hated by most music fans that watch the documentaries.
She seems to be doing well, according to Instagram, so, to Frances Bean Cobain, I wish you well. I wish YOU well. I’m sure you have found a way to get over this whole thing I’ve talked about, and if that’s so, then great. I really hope that YOU get to enjoy life as a regular human being. No expectations, no questions, and no harassment. Leave this woman alone.
Just check out HER art on Instagram.
LOCAL H/MERCH GUY
I went to a Local H concert last week. In town. You know Local H, Bound for the Floor, Eddie Vedder(The Song), High-Fiving Mother Fucker. You’ve heard them before. They were great! The show was very small but I feel lucky that I was able to go.
They are listed as an alternative/grunge band they’re from Chicago, and their carrer really kicked off in the second half of the 90’s. 90’s A.C. (After Cobain).
The show was kind of weird, in that, I felt like the singer was making fun of himself too much.
Their were a few kids in the crowd, and from the partial dialog I could hear, it was their first concert.
He made a joke like, “Good. Start them off with a mediocre band. So, not to set their expectations too high.” Which was a funny joke, but he kept just going on and on with it.
They played a great show despite the singer’s jabs at himself. Eventually, he asked the little girl if she wanted them to play a Nirvana song. She asked for In Bloom, but he didn’t know how to play that one, so they played On a Plain.
They nailed it. But, that got me thinking…
This guy… who was making music the same time Kurt Cobain was making music, the same genre of music too, is essentially picking up the scraps of a dead man.
This man, Lucas Scott or Scott Lucas, sorry couldn’t remember, two first names. A man in his 50s has to tour around to these small towns to these small bars and play to children that ‘have a guy that’s been dead for almost 30 years‘ shirt on.
This guy has been around way longer, working his ass off making music way longer just so everyone and their children can worship the dead guy.
It’s just funny. I’m sorry. It really sucks. I love Nirvana. I like Local H. I just try to see life through other people’s eyes sometimes.
I hung around a while after the show because I wanted to buy a patch for my concert vest, and for whatever reason, the merch was only sold after the show? I didn’t understand but I waited.
After the show, finally, the merch guy shows up, and after a while, I noticed he was drunk. It was kinda funny, but I was also thinking. “Okay, this guy is pretty chatty. I just want to buy a patch and go home. I have work in the morning, but then I realized that it wasn’t just some drunk merch guy, but it was Local H’s singer. I felt stupid for not recognizing him. Scott Lucas.
Those kids I was talking about earlier got a picture, and he was funny, but when it was my turn, I was really awkward.
I wanted to buy a patch and two stickers. I could’ve swore he said; “sorry, we’re out of STICKERS, but I have PATCHES left.”
So I was like, “Cool, mind if I grab a selfie.” Oh my God, I don’t know why I asked for a selfie. That was so cringe, but he said it was fine. He finished getting my things ready, I looked down, and there were two stickers and no patch.
So either I was too drunk or he was too drunk. I said “oh, I wanted a patch too.”
Scott said, “I said we sold out of patches, I only have stickers.” Another guy in line added “dang man, he’s doubling down on the patches!”
So I was just like, “Oh shit. Oh yeah.” I took the stickers and left. No selfie. Ugh. So cringe. I wasn’t mentally prepared to deal with that, but oh well. No hard feelings, of course. I had a great time, and I hope they come back to town.
He has a podcast that they do on tour, so I want to listen and see what they say about my hometown. Maybe he talks about the stupid guy who kept asking about patches. That would be funny.
MY GRUNGE CONCERTS/CHRIS CORNELL
I’m a bit of a concert head. And I’m a bit of a 90’s grunge head. I’ve made it my goal to see as many grunge bands as I can see in this modern era as I possibly can. I’ve done pretty good so far.
I’ve seen Alice in Chains this past summer, Stone Temple Pilots, Melvins, The Smashing Pumpkins, Foo Fighters, Taylor Hawkin’s band Chevy Metal(I know its not grunge but it’s still notable), Meat Puppets (Whom Nirvana covered songs, Platu and lake of Fire.), The Toadies but MOST notably for me was when I got to see Soundgarden back in 2017.
Seeing Chris Cornell and Soundgarden in 2017 in the most important concert for me to this very date. My wife and I drove to Indianapolis on May 10th, 2017. The concert was great, and I was lucky enough to be able to stand as close as I could to the stage. The only thing between me and the stage was the VIP section, which wasn’t very big. I was living the concert. It was awesome, and I will never forget the experience.
And maybe I would characterize it this way and praise this moment so much if I didn’t wake up just one week later to see that he had died. I saw one of his last shows. Which sucks. I was devastated. As silly as it sounds, his death really got to me.
He hung himself.
One of the last remaining for that time. One of the remaining absolute ledgends.. gone.. took his own life.
And, of course, I heard the conspiracy theories. Especially after Chester Bennington did the same thing on Chris’ birthday, July 20th.
Taylor Hawkins, Scott Weiland, Shannon Hoon, Layne Staley, Andrew Wood, and many more all passed on from substance.
Chris and Chester took their own lives and had the conspiracy theories about being assassinated and set up to look like suicide.
And then you have Kurt Cobain, who lies in between the lines.
COURTNEY LOVE
I need to deliver a hot take about Courtney Love for a second.
I know a lot of the people listening to this right now are convinced that Courtney Love had something to do with orchestrating the death of her husband.
And I’m not here to argue that. I’ve watched the documentaries. It’s pretty convincing.
But let’s think about this… you know me… and my unorthodox thinking…
It’s the 90s okay? A decade I only experienced the first four years of my life. The years I basically have no memories of, but still. Knowing the pop culture, movies, music, and the way things carried on in the 2000s, I feel like I have a pretty good grasp on how things were… but then again, maybe I’m wrong.
Misogyny. Woo. What? Scary. What are you talking about? I’m talking about the hatred of women.
And before you start calling me a loser or simp, just know that I’m happily married to a beautiful woman so I really don’t give a fuck.
Whenever a guy tries to genuinely stick up for more scrutinized people, we get called weak. The insecure dudes start making their Jabs, anyway…
Misogyny has only been going away in society very slowly. Even today, it’s still pretty bad, but think back 30 years ago?
Courtney Love personified herself as the Teenage Whore. And instead of that being taken as expression of art, trauma or whatever else she was trying to express from that. People took it super literally. People blamed the tragic events of Kurt Cobain on the strung out, crazy, bitch wife, teenage whore. Isn’t that an easy target? She’s just another rock star.
She was a rock star. Yeah she was crazy, yeah she did drugs but so did motley crue. Axel Rose, pretty much every rockstar?
I do think Kurt Cobain could have done a lot better relationship wise, but I’m not going to hold that against Courtney Love. She was just a rock star who married another rock star, and now she’s probably one of the most hated women in the whole world.
I’m not here to argue the testimonies and the aligations and the documentaries because, hey, it mostly convinced me…
But, I believe something more important should come from this. Instead of seeking justice or getting down to the bottom of that rabbit hole, I think we need to stop ruling out depression. I think we need to start talking about suicide.
Just because Dave Grohl did an interview and said that Kurt would never kill himself doesn’t mean anything. You can be bright as day one day and then down in the trenches, the very next moment.
Thanks for listening.
~TNP~
braindeadhenchman 